I have been floating in a haze of fatigue since my Halloween infusion. This cycle, the notable side effects are fatigue and brain fog. I’ve felt this combo before, during radiation and prior chemo cycles, but never quite like this. I simply don’t remember large portions of the last four days.

Here’s the good news: I’ve actually been able to sleep (a lot!) and thus I have escaped the trauma that afflicted me during the prior chemo cycle. I believe three things have helped:

• My mom gifted me with a reading pillow, which my friend James graciously delivered to me last week. It looks like this and allows me to sleep in a propped-up position. This helps address one of my chemo side effects: intermittent issues with lying down completely flat.
• I prepared very thoroughly for this chemo cycle. This involved a lot of work tasks (I’m taking this entire week off, for example), and non-work stuff, such as voting and bills. This freed me up to fully rest when the fatigue hit in full force.
• I was smarter about using lorazepam (Ativan) when I felt the bad signs coming on (basically the mix of anxiety-inducing symptoms I described in this post). Arguably, I’ve been too cautious about using lorazepam in past cycles. My prescription is a low dose (0.5mg), with instructions to take “1-2 tablets by mouth 3 times a day, as needed for anxiety.” In the past, I’d been hesitant to take it during the day, but this cycle, I’ve found that two tablets are incredibly effective in helping me bypass the bad stuff, via a solid daytime nap.

It is odd, and unsettling, to have barely any memory of such a recent period of time. I do recall a very strong craving for mashed potatoes (but literally I don’t remember the day or time when this happened). I didn’t have the energy to make any, and instead I opted for “The Gobbler” — a magical vegan Thanksgiving feast in sandwich form, from the good folks at Next Level Burger. It was very very tasty, and hopefully helped me in the weight-gain department (it’s 500+ calories).

Also on Sunday afternoon, I took advantage of a period of lucidity to make up a batch of chili — mostly based on this fine recipe, but I added lentils, kale, corn, and went for a sweet (instead of spicy) flavor, with some maple syrup and cinnamon. Really hit the spot.

Last night I was blessed with a very happy dream — no scary nastiness — it involved me in a filmmaking class, working on a project with fellow students. Lots of fun and laughter, with a sense of hope and discovery. I woke from that dream feeling calm and well-rested. I’ll take it!

Even though I am currently feeling peppy, I’m sure this will change in the coming days, so I’ll keep following my playbook-of-sorts and resting when I know I need to rest.

Onwards and upwards.