As I look back and try to recollect last week, it’s mostly a blur: I don’t remember much. I understand now what chemo fatigue is. For example. Sunday morning, I woke up feeling pretty good; I decided to take the dog out for a walk. After five blocks, I was wiped out, and needed to head home. I collapsed on the couch and couldn’t get up for three hours.

This is my “off week” (the infusions are every other week). I’m back at work this week, which is challenging, as I certainly don’t feel awesome. While the fatigue has diminished, it’s still a thing: I need to lie down often.

The olanzapine they prescribed (mentioned in my last post): me no likey. Yes, it knocked me out at night, but I was still a zombie from it well into the next day. And that was just half a pill. Not taking that anymore.

Not everything is bad. Chemo seems to enhance my sense of smell; I’m noticing various smells that seem new to me. Also, it gave me a strong craving for sautéed mushrooms. I cooked up mushrooms, garlic and greens over the weekend and it was unusually satisfying.

I’ll tell you, the worst thing is when I just can’t explain what’s going on. Such was the case last night, when I had a puzzling mixture of sensations: sore throat, watery eyes, blurred vision, numbness in legs. And no appetite. None of this made sense, and I ended waking up at midnight in a full-scale panic attack, struggling to describe any of this and wondering if it was serious.

I eventually got back to sleep, and I’m ok now. I’m realizing this is part of the process. Chemo causes a lot of intense stuff to happen in the body. And the side effects aren’t always easy to explain.

Over the past week, I switched my phone background to this 1904 painting by Diego Rivera. I’ve been staring at it a lot and finding it comforting — something else I can’t really explain. So be it; I’ll embrace the mystery.

That’s a winning blog post title right there …

Yesterday was pump disconnect day; I went in to Fred Hutch and they removed the pump that had been slowly injecting 5FU chemo into my system. I read a lot of stories about how pump disconnect day can be really hard; many in the Colontown community said they requested IV fluids to help ease the process. I didn’t request any extra fluids and I didn’t really have any problems. My main issue was fatigue and brain fog — no doubt caused by steroid-induced lack of sleep.

After they removed the pump, another nurse taught me how to self-administer Nivestym shots. These shots help keep white blood cell counts up (counteracting the chemo process, which drives them down). These shots go in subcutaneously — into the fat below skin. After losing weight earlier this year, the only extra fat I have to work with is in my belly. My instructions are to give myself the shot 5 nights in a row (starting tonight), but you need to do it in different places each time. I used a little mole down in the bottom right side of my belly as a starting point; I’ll work around in a semi-circle on subsequent nights. I have never given myself a shot before, but it wasn’t too bad.

I’m keeping track of these shots on the kitchen whiteboard, along with other chemo quick reference. Really hoping I can actually memorize how to pronounce some of the chemo drug names.