My sister sent me a text this morning, congratulating me on this penultimate day of my scheduled chemoradiation sessions. Indeed! Just one day to go. Well. Of Act 1. This play isn’t over yet — Act 2 (chemo) starts in about a month. That second act will be four months long, with new and more intense side effects.

But, I am looking forward to a nice break between the first and second acts.

While this first act has had its challenges, it’s also been teaching me things.

For example: anxiety is a bigger problem for me than I consciously recognized. Multiple folks at Fred Hutch have independently pointed this out to me, over the past few months. One of them graciously shared with me the 4-7-8 breathing technique to deal with said anxiety — and this is great. I’ve been trying it out, and it does help.

This has prompted me to reflect on my relationship with anxiety. Sleep — or rather, lack thereof — is one area I’ve been focusing on. I’ve been really struggling with insomnia for decades — ever since I was in college. I don’t have an issue falling asleep; it’s the staying asleep that is the problem. I wake up multiple times in the night, and typically am up for hours.

Also: work. How much time have I spent over the decades, unnecessarily dwelling on work stuff in the middle of the night? A little bit of work-anxiety is arguably ok, and has helped me succeed in a variety of jobs. But endless work-focused cogitation, coupled with insomnia, has done me no favors.

The movie Inside Out 2 expertly explores all this. Anxiety seems so helpful, motivating the main character (Riley) to get up early and keep practicing. But it gets out of control. One scene really rang true to my own experience: all the “what could go wrong” scenarios endlessly play out through Riley’s mind, in the middle of the night. For me, a “have I thought of everything?” question seems to be the prime driver: mentally ticking through to-do lists.

My cancer diagnosis has certainly added new flavors to my “anxiety sundae,” and just as with work, the thing behind it all seems to be a feeling of a to-do list that just keeps growing — at 2am, I wonder: wait, did I do that thing? Tracking daily appointments in mychart. No notifications for these; I need to check mychart constantly. Wait, when did I last check it? What are my current symptoms — are these normal? Am I hydrating enough? (I was very freaked out about being dehydrated, early after my diagnosis). Did I add the latest appointment to my work calendar? Did I get all the paperwork submitted for my extended leave request? Have I paid the latest bill? Am I really ready for chemo — for all the potential side effects? Have I done enough research yet? Do I need to make (even more) changes to my diet? Is there anyone else I forgot to tell about my diagnosis — other colleagues, friends?

Etc, etc etc

I am reckoning with this anxiety stuff in a new and different way, right now. I don’t have a more eloquent way to state that currently (need to go to bed!), but I think this is a positive that’s come along with the diagnosis — I’m learning, and changing.